Selfishness

2Co 12:20 For I fear lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I wish, and that I shall be found by you such as you do not wish; lest there be contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, backbitings, whisperings, conceits, tumults;

I want to write right now. I'm in the mood to get my emotions out. I don't feel like taking my time through it and being clever and impressive right now, I just want to write my heart. The verse above pretty much explains it. My heart would be pretty unimpressive right now if seen by a man. My mind has lately been filled with the things above. I look at the word selfish and it really stands out to me. It connects with the groanings inside my heart because they are the same thing. Some of you know the thoughts I've had lately. Some of you don't. It doesn't matter. To sum it up, I've been selfish. As a result I have started looking at what others have and I compare myself to them. I say that I am older, more mature, better prepared, and so I deserve it more. Honestly maybe some of these thoughts are true, but I realize now that it doesn't matter. Being ready to receive the blessings of the Lord is something far more complex than seeing who has the right personality for it or who has reached that emotional level that allows you to be blessed. It has to do with several things, and I'l learning that the least of these things should probably be the consideration and examination of self. I sat and thought about myself and my pity that I was soaking in in my mind and I felt the Lord say, "Did you ever consider that me holding back on you is not necissarily a problem with who you are? Did you ever think that maybe I need you somewhere else other than where you want to be for Me?" It was like a huge revelation that the root of my thinking has been that I am only considering what's best for me, what I want, etc. I'm learning now that maybe others need me right now and if I had all I wanted than I probably wouldn't be there for them like I am now. I was playing basketball today as I thought these things and it helped. I was watching all my friends play, and humbly, I became very thankful that I played such a large role in all my friends life. If I would have followed my dreams and my plan I would never be in this place. Forgive me my friends for often being selfish, whether you see it or not. I repent, and would honestly rather lay down my life to serve God and you, and when I get that perspective I gladly do it with a fullness of joy. I urge you all to do the same. Love you guys.