Date Levi

Another year is coming to a close. A lot of reflection has taken place, especially in the girl area. I was so sure this was the year for some reason, I had thought that since my last breakup. Everything seemed to line up perfectly. I met someone that I believed to be what I was looking for, and with her I had a time that was so blessed. But here I am now at the end of another year, with another breakup and not sure what to show for it. Though tempted to think I made a huge mistake or that maybe this last season was a bad season, further thinking has proved otherwise.

Heartbreak is a fear to most, and rightfully so. I've seldom been through a harder time on the soul. Losing someone you care for. Being forced from intimacy to loneliness. Having someone who knows the deepest things about you leave, seeming to take a piece of you with them. Your identity is shaken. Your confidence is shaken. Your plans are shattered and the jealousy that someone else will get to live them out gnaws at your mind. Of course Jesus is the answer to all, but the transition time can be rough.

My enemy has brought these things to my mind several times, but I have some things to say to the enemy as well. You tell me that I got screwed over. I think you're wrong. I actually think I got the better of the deal. I learned that I would rather love than be loved. And I really loved her. I don't know that in that whole time I was ever loved as much as I loved her, but it was better to be the one who loved. I learned to value another above myself. I blessed more than I've ever blessed a person in my life. I denied self and caused another to know as well as I could their value in the eyes of God. That was love to me and I could never regret walking in that. I don't know if I will ever be loved in the same way, but I have this confidence: I know that I can walk in love for another over myself, and will do so again. I be blessed for it, and will have the better path of the two in this.

I also don't have to look at this as a mistake. I learned a lot. I learned how powerful it can be to seek the Lord so passionately for someone. I learned that though our time was blessed, seasons end. I don't regret giving a piece of myself. I'm glad I didn't shelter myself and take the safe route. I risked it for something I thought to be worth it, got hurt, and yet still I would risk it again. I learned that I am capable of being a good husband and have confidence for my future marriage. I made new friends that I really care about. Just because it didn't turn out like I hoped doesn't mean the whole thing was trash. Actually its the opposite. I don't know that any of it was trash, it was just time for God to do something else, and our season together was desperately needed in both of our lives.

Lastly, there is no guarantee in this. I've been chasing the wind trying to find "the one" and have a perfect little deal that is set up by God and done the "Christian" way where no one gets hurt and everybody's happy. This has left me frustrated at God when it doesn't work out, exaggerating prophecies that lead me to a wrong path because of the deep desire of my heart to find this, and feeling like I have baggage every time I am wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I can just let God lead me by trusting Him, apart from looking for prophecy, apart from unrealistic expectation of my dating life being flawless, and knowing that just because I deeply like someone or even feel led to have a relationship with them, it doesn't guarantee they are the one. There are no laws of dating, no perfect way to walk it out. There is only following the Lord and loving the other person enough to honor and respect them. These things are enough. Let the Lord take care of the rest, no matter the ending.

Home

I walked out of the Well tonight at about 9:00 and stopped. I took a deep breath, looked up and the stars, and thanked God and continued on my way home.

The cause for my pause was a hesitation to wanting to go home. I am at a place where loneliness can set in, but not loneliness like its normally thought of. Its not a needy loneliness, or a depressed loneliness. I don't dread going home, or even dislike being home. It was just I wasn't ready yet to go home. I had a good day, and some cool things happened, yet I felt partly unfulfilled not having anyone to tell the details of my day to. I had tried to call a few people close to me to tell them about my day, but they were both in pretty hard places in life, and their needs quickly took the conversation. That is completely fine! Its just a few nights lately have left me going home after a full day of school, and no one to come back to and talk to, and it can be kind of odd. The people that speak to me every night right now are Rainn Wilson, Alexandre Dumas, and Edgar Allen Poe. Sometimes I look up the most random stuff on wikipedia just to learn how things work. I will spend over an hour some nights cooking meals. I have the same routine every night when I get home.

I hope you really hear my heart on this. This is usually a description of someone who is really bored or frustrated in life. The great thing about this season is that this is not the case at all. I am really loving everything in life right now. I love school. I love the drive, the lectures, the learning. I'm liking reading and cooking and having a place of my own that is peaceful. There is one reason why I am loving all of these things right now. It's because in all of this God has made his nearness known to me. I have not felt separate from Him for even a second. There is a time in life where I would have despised all of this, but not now. This was the cause of me not wanting to go home. A brief disappointment in a lack of fellowship was quickly followed by the presence of my God being with me, fulfilling me and pushing me forward in the season He has me in. This is truly what it means to be able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me. With Him right now, I am truly happy. He is good to me!

-Disclaimer: I still know I have the best friends in the world, and am certainly not needing a single thing more from you guys. You all have your roles in my life and doing exactly what you've been doing has been perfect! Thanks all you guys for being so great to me and I know you are always there for me! Love all you guys a lot!!!

Organized

I really want to get my day scheduled out a little bit. I generally hate anything that opposes freedom to doing what I want to do on the spot. The problem is that my life is busy enough right now that if I don't have some kind of focus or plan, I will not get done the essential things that I would like to accomplish in this season. This has been a crazy last month, and maybe thats ok, but I barely made time to be in the Word, or to do several important things that I had planned for this semester. I am considering planning out the details of my day for a few weeks and try it out. Maybe I will enjoy it. It's just something that I've never done before. Do any of you guys plan out your day or are you more like me and live moment to moment?

Spider Man

The spiders have been pretty bad lately. The force field of bug killer around my house is weakening, and several spiders have penetrated my defenses and made it though alive. I have learned a lot about them lately. I used to freak out and kill them. Now I'm much more patient with them. Sometimes I watch them. Sometimes I trap them. Sometimes I even just let them be. Three times this week I woke up with spiders crawling on me in bed. One time I awoke to a huge one right in front of my face staring at me. I have scars from bites all over my body, and get new ones consistently. One was extremely bad, and at one time honestly thought I was near death from what the bite was doing to me. I probably kill at least three per night, and many others die on their own from my shield of poisons.

I'm being attacked!! It's a little funny now. My fear of them is almost completely gone. There was one on my bed this morning, and I didn't even budge. I'm getting used to them. I guess the biggest thing, is I learned there isn't a lot to really fear with them. Yeah I get bites, but only once has it been bad, and even then I survived on my own without a doctor. They're kind of creepy looking, but maybe that's just the view I had growing up with them. I still don't like them, and I get frustrated with the war I'm fighting against them being never ending, but at least I don't fear. I realized today, that although I really fear in some areas, the Lord has used these things to remove fear from my heart. I really don't fear for my body. I don't have health insurance, and I'm not to worried about it. I've seen the Lord heal my body supernaturally several times. I have courage to go into dangerous places, or situations, because I am assured more than anything that the Lord will keep my body. I think I can get through things others can't because I really trust the Lord with my body. I think I'm supernaturally protected, and if something did happen, I believe He will heal me quickly. Its funny, I wish that I could trust Him easier with my life, or with His plan, or with my future, but for some reason this is what I trust Him with the most, my health and His ability to keep me from harm. The Lord has burned deeply into my faith, to not fear the potential of death, but to trust in the God who has the ability to raise from the dead. The Shack has taught me so many lessons about trusting God, I'll always be glad about this season of my life. Having His perspective changes everything.

The Heart of the Father

There are times in your life where the Lord looks upon you and chooses to shower you with specific blessings that are needed at a particular time in your life. These seasons usually come after seasons of trial, come when you least expect it, and come after many seasons prior of looking and expecting for this very thing to come. It is almost never arrives in the time we would want or think, and it almost never comes in the package or from the place where we would expect it to be from, yet we do always seem to know that these specific promises from God are out there, as we can only fight the fight of faith and rest and wait for the timing of the Lord to align His purposes with our desires so that He can pour out on His child the very thing He longs to give him, but in the way and time that is most healthy and beneficial to His desires and plan.

This is the season I am in. I of course am blessed beyond measure already, yet many past seasons have had me searching, and coming up empty as the desires of my heart have yet to be manifest into my life. This season has been one of deep healing, restoration, revival, resurrection, so many works of God being done in my life all at once. Obtaining things promised from long ago is an amazing thing, and when it hits you finally, you almost don’t even know what to do. Glory rises in your heart and you want it to be passed to the Father in praise, yet the thankfulness can hardly be expressed because the weight of it seems too great, and simple words don’t seem to fully express the goodness that you begin to see in the plan of God. Sometimes all I can say is simply thank you God, and I suppose that truly is enough. There are so many regrets, times of doubting God and His faithfulness, doubting the things He promised could truly be true, that what He said He had for me really might be as amazing as He said it would be, and even better than promised. Even more true is His power to bring this thing about in a way that is also powerful and beautiful. Let God be true and every man a liar, especially my doubting mind.

He loves us so much, I’m glad that this is the overwhelming theme of my heart from these past few months. He always had a plan, He always looked upon my situation intently, cringing as I went through fire, yet hopefully looking upon as He knew what would happen as I came out of it. He has never doubted what He would make me to be. He has never doubted the plans He had for my life being the absolute best. He never worried that maybe He wouldn’t be able to get this work done. He led me out of Egypt with a mighty hand. He led me through dessert seasons, and at last a small glimpse of promise land in my life seems to be here. Truly this is the love of the Father. Yes He is the only wise one.

Yet still more change comes, more breaking and pain, but also more freedom and life. Surely I won’t doubt again, the faithfulness of my God, the love He has for me, His power in bringing about His plan. His goodness should trump any trial that lies ahead. If only I could stay at this place of faith. Perfect love, cast out my fear. Perfect Father, show me Your perfect love.

As for now I will stay in today. I will enjoy the blessing that He has thrust into my life, more amazing than I ever hoped for. I will not fear the chance of losing it tomorrow. He gives, He takes away, still Lord, blessed be Your name. I thank you for what You’ve given me in this life, and more importantly how You used the blessings of this season to heal me and bring hope into my heart. You have used this to form me into the man I have always been created to be. Look upon Your work Father, and be pleased in what You have done. Hear the cry of a thankful heart as it glorifies You for the mighty works of Your hands and the passionate love of Your heart.

Daniel Fast

I, along with many other members of the body of Christ in El Dorado, recently started a Daniel Fast. In the Bible, Daniel fasted to the Lord about an issue for twenty-one days, eating only fruits and vegetables. It is a good fast, but it is quite difficult. One of the problems with the Daniel Fast, is that it isn't completely clear what you can and can't have. A Google search will reveal several different lists of available foods to eat. There are varying opinions on the allowance of breads, grains, oils, spices, etc. As I was looking for something to pull us together, to make us like minded in our quest to do this Daniel fast together, I came across this wealth of information. Check it out, it helped me out very much:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etJK-z-BGGE

Why I Am a Bad Wife

As I sat through my differential equations class this past week I had a great revelation from God. I heard him say this- "Let God be God, and let man be man." It hit me very hard. It showed me that the great deal of stress that has completely ruined me lately is because of this fact, I am trying to do more than I have grace to do. Not in terms of works, but in terms of relationship. I am trying to do the things in my life that God has promised to do and is doing. I am not playing my role in my walk with God very well because I am more worried about making sure God's parts getting done. I have such a lack of trust!

God promises that he will lead my life, that he will direct my path. He has a plan and a purpose for me. He will provide for me and deliver me. He will do more than I can ask or think to ask. He will work all things together for His good. I doubt all these things at times in my life, especially in times when I can't see what is going on and I don't have direction. I don't trust Him to lead me. I always need to know exactly what is going on so then I can trust. Does trust really require understanding though? I think not. Yet that is always what I require of Him. Is that really faith.

I think of it like a wife. One thing I really struggle with is when a wife is controlling. I see how much blessing can be stolen from a husband when a wife will not trust him to lead, trust him to play his role. On the opposite even if things look bad, a man can be so blessed and a woman can be at piece if the wife will simply affirm the husband and say that she trusts him and his plan and that she will submit and not try to control. I don't want a wife that is always battling me for control. I want a wife that will trust me as I follow God. I want a wife that will allow me to play my role without doubting me all the time. I want a wife that can let go of control so that she can focus in on her role. No person in a marriage can play both parts, and that's why trust is so huge in a relationship, you have to submit, surrender, and let each part person play their part.

I realize that this is what I've been doing with God. With me being a piece of His bride, I have been robbing blessing and honor from Him by not trusting Him with His plan. Because I don't understand His plan, I feel like I need to take the reign and try to do some of His parts by myself. When I do that I feel so overwhelmed because I was never made to do these things. I want to be a good wife for God, that is playing my part and blessing Him.

This revelation has led to a new rush of piece and joy in my life. I feel more focused. I have direction on the things I am called to do. I just want to play the part that I am called to and trust Him to do His part in this marriage. He will not fail. Men: Be men, by letting God be God.